Sa hindi maintindihang rason, sinumpong na naman ako ng dati kong sakit. Sobrang pagkatuliro at hindi pagkapakali, hindi ko alam kung bakit. Dahil ba wala akong magawa o maisip gawin kundi ang isipin ka? Isipin yung panahong nakilala kita. Yung mga panahong masaya ka dahil sa kahit anong paraan, napapasaya at pinapasaya kita. Yung mga panahong kuntento tayo sa kahit ano, kahit ano lang na meron tayo, basta't magkasama. Hay, hindi ko maiwasang mapamura sa sobrang galit sa sarili ko. Kailan kaya ikaw magbabalik sa mundo ko? Pagkaraan ba nang ilang linggo? O, nang ilang buwan? O, nang ilang taon? Napangiti ako bigla, pero binawi rin agad ng lungkot.. "Hmmm.....mukhang hindi na, siguro hindi na....."
Lakad dito, lakad doon. Hindi alam ang patutunguhan, tila wala naman kasi yata. Kung saan dalhin ng mga paa, doon nalang, bahala na... Kausap ang sarili ko, "pigilan ako...tigilan mo ako"..... Paikot ikot, nag-iisip pero wala naman sa sarili....nangangamba, pero wala namang pakialam. Sa akit ng gabi, wala nako kamalay malay sa layo ng narating ko. Nakatingin kasi ako sa anino ko na nakayuko, nandito na pala ako sa kalsadang dinadaanan natin dati at nadadaanan natin minsan. Nakakita ako ng tindahan, bumili saglit ng yosi, pagkapa ko sa bulsa, dun ko lang nalaman na wala pala akong dalang pitaka, bale coin purse lang. Pagkasindi ko, naghanap ako ng malapit na mauupuan.
Basa lagi yung harapan ng gate ninyo kaya sa kabilang gilid ng kalsada nalang ako naupo. Minamasdan ko lang yung paraisong ginagalawan mo dati at ni nika. Yung paraiso kung saan ako dati nagpupunta para makasama ka. Lahat lahat ng yun, bumabalik sa isip ko. Huwag mo sana iisiping may binabalak akong masama o hindi maganda. Ewan ko, binubuhay ko lang yung mga alaala nating dalawa nung tayo pa magkasama, sa kahit anong paraan na magagawa ko.....sa kahit anong paraan para ako sumaya...
Mag-dadalawang oras din bago ko umpisahan maglakad ulit pauwi. Anlamig ng hangin, pero parang balewala sakin. Para kasing nararamdaman kitang nakayakap sa braso ko habang nakalagay yung dalawang kamay ko sa bulsa. Sulyap ako ng sulyap sa kanang balikat ko kasi nai-imagine kong nakatingin ka sakin patingala, ganun ka kasi dati pag naglalakad tayong dalawa. Lagi kang nakatitig sakin na parang ayaw mo kong mawala sa paningin mo. Masamang masama ang loob ko, pero nagawa ko umuwing may konting saya kahit papaano. Pagod nako, pero yung mga paa ko, parang hindi pa... Durog na durog na yung damdamin ko sa sobrang sakit na nararamdaman ngeon, pero yung isip ko, parang hindi pa.....
Kinakausap na naman ako ng sarili ko, sabi "asa ka pa! wala na, give up na!".....sabi ng pagkatao ko, "hindi pa, kaya ko pa....."
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
More to lose...
Here I go again... Ended up dealing with the same things as before....but this time, it's obviously "my fault". My own f*ck'n fault, nonetheless...
It's been more than 3yrs since the last heartache disaster I've been through, now everything's getting blurry again... The brightness of my lame eyes' fading, tears falling like raindrops of neverend, drowning my emotions into the depth of sorrow... Blindly descending into darkness all over again....
A totally different scenario, but the same level of hurting... Damn you, Credz, damn you!!! Why did you have to let this happen? Her unconditional love, one that is so unique and serene in glory. A love I have experienced like no other, but was clouded by my troubled mind........gone.......like the smoke of the cigarette in my hand, slipping away with the wind of this cold Wednesday afternoon... And now, it's over........both of us free........but I feel colder.....
Perhaps, she's just tired of all the bullsh*t... And as the song goes, maybe somehow she's gotten tired of me as well. Maybe somehow, she's just fed up thinking that our love could change my thoughts about our arrangements which were consumed by my selfishness and all that... I thought we had nothing more to lose, but now, it's plain to see that the love we once needed and never thought I'd still need and will be needing and wanting forever couldn't just come back to me again, whenever I wish to or feel like it, whenever I demand...
The time to move to a new beginning lies ahead of me again.....chances are, she might need me at some point and that I don't want to miss... And so, I'm afraid I'll have to hang on and keep on hoping and praying about the possibility of "us" together again... Besides, there's nothing wrong with dreaming...
I maybe hurting like hell right now, but instead of giving up, I'll just indulge myself with it and prove to myself that "she" is all worth the pain.....for she have endured the exact same thing for me before as well...
(-,-)
It's been more than 3yrs since the last heartache disaster I've been through, now everything's getting blurry again... The brightness of my lame eyes' fading, tears falling like raindrops of neverend, drowning my emotions into the depth of sorrow... Blindly descending into darkness all over again....
A totally different scenario, but the same level of hurting... Damn you, Credz, damn you!!! Why did you have to let this happen? Her unconditional love, one that is so unique and serene in glory. A love I have experienced like no other, but was clouded by my troubled mind........gone.......like the smoke of the cigarette in my hand, slipping away with the wind of this cold Wednesday afternoon... And now, it's over........both of us free........but I feel colder.....
Perhaps, she's just tired of all the bullsh*t... And as the song goes, maybe somehow she's gotten tired of me as well. Maybe somehow, she's just fed up thinking that our love could change my thoughts about our arrangements which were consumed by my selfishness and all that... I thought we had nothing more to lose, but now, it's plain to see that the love we once needed and never thought I'd still need and will be needing and wanting forever couldn't just come back to me again, whenever I wish to or feel like it, whenever I demand...
The time to move to a new beginning lies ahead of me again.....chances are, she might need me at some point and that I don't want to miss... And so, I'm afraid I'll have to hang on and keep on hoping and praying about the possibility of "us" together again... Besides, there's nothing wrong with dreaming...
I maybe hurting like hell right now, but instead of giving up, I'll just indulge myself with it and prove to myself that "she" is all worth the pain.....for she have endured the exact same thing for me before as well...
(-,-)
Monday, April 4, 2011
...And then, there we're none.
It's funny how life makes us understand that somehow and at some point, we do f*ck up. And it's just how life is...really, it can't be figured out. Thing is, you'll never know when and how will it mess with you. And I find it so f*ck'n hard to admit and it did shook the very foundation of my own being when I came to realize that "now" is indeed my turn to feel what everybody hates...
...suffer the thing called "pain".
...suffer the thing called "pain".
Sunday, April 3, 2011
Burden
Answer me, did we take this too far?
You've given all I could need...
But your kiss won't leave me be...
Because your teardrops won't stop chewing out my heart...
Nothing matters anymore, so what?
Here we are, the last of us...
Will we ever be again?
You've given all I could need...
But your kiss won't leave me be...
Because your teardrops won't stop chewing out my heart...
Nothing matters anymore, so what?
Here we are, the last of us...
Will we ever be again?
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