A howl of grimm . . .

~ She who wears the hood in red ~

And you are the werewolf,
And I am the moon . . .
And in the endless sky we are but one .
We are alive in my dreams,
Werewolf and I . . .


~ The creature of the lunar hex ~

You illuminate the night sky
All the better to see you with
So far away you are up there
But in grasp so close I feel
In the dark you shine on me
And drain powers through your light
My guide every now and then
As I roam horizons through the night
For I exist to heed your call
I know with you my spirit can be whole

Dissimilis Lupinotuum

EVEN HE WHO IS PURE OF HEART AND SAYS HIS PRAYERS AT NIGHT, MAY BECOME A WOLF WHEN THE WOLFSBANE BLOOMS AND THE MOON IS FULL AND BRIGHT.


In my time i have been known by many many names, Grendel, Peter Stubb, Gilles Garnier, Lycaon even the Beast of Gevaudan, my modern name is Werewolf my ancient name is Lycan. I have wandered this realm for millennia cursed by what i am and by that on which i need to feed, a parasite on my half brother, lone survivor of a forgotten race.

Once again i find myself alone, an outcast, a pariah unable to seek solace in a woman or a warm fireplace like a mortal man, but fleeing like a leper to a woods or a cave to serve my lonely sentence away from they who might harm me, they who do not understand.

I was once a warrior, loved by my kind and feared by my enemy, but alas my race has gone. I once caught a hint from the wind of one my kind, in Paris in 1789, my veins pulsed and my heart soared and then he was gone, lost in the crowd of revolutionaries, to this day i have never sensed again one of my own.

I had a lover once, a mortal girl of great beauty, i chose her because i knew she could not bare a child, i could not put this curse upon another, for five years we were happy, she knew nothing of my state, my blood lust i could not control, and then they came for me, as they always do, with pitchfork and flame, they tortured her
to get to me, she died, i fled , the pain was so great i chose never to love again. I still miss her.

For two centuries now i have walked alone, my only belongings are my books, what need have i of modern words when i have Dante ,Shakespeare and Dickens? I live off Gaea, from the river, the tree and the bush, it is strange but my blood lust is much calmer these days, content am i to feed on fruit and berry and roadside kill and the mountain stream is my tap, until of course it rises, my lunar hex.

Its darkening now and so i wait, senses heightening, clouds tumble past and i feel my temperature rise, blood pumps fast and heart rate quickens, i watch as my nails turn to talons and fingers turn to claw, my hunger begins to take over me as the clouds pull back like curtains to reveal the moon, a full moon, a Hunters moon...

Staying "still"

My mind, my heart can't take it. So, what am I supposed to do? Can't believe i've let my guard down for you. Keeping the balance to prevent myself from falling. Fighting not to fall means fighting not to feel the PAIN. The pain that had nothing to do with broken bones, pain that was infinitely worse, pain that threatened to crush me. . .

I've made mistakes in my life. I've let people take advantage of me, and I accepted way less than I deserve. But, I've learned from my bad choices and even though there are some things I can never get back and people who will never be sorry, I'll know better next time and I won't settle for anything less than I deserve. . .

I watched her as she walk around the room. Amazed of how graceful she was. She heard me laughing at full volume behind her, my usual short hard laugh. . . Seeing her again last night from a distance made me realize, she is not the girl who can shake my world. Not that she can't, but I won't allow it. I must admit though, I miss her voice, her stories, her entirety. . .

I spent an hour dissecting her sentence structure on her last message, it's been more than a month and I still could not find the courage to reply and end this. I must admit though, while my mind says she is not the woman who can shake my world, my heart says I miss her. . .

Stupid me. . .

A Gloomy tuesday morning, woke up at around 6am wondering why the first thing that came into my mind is to contemplate about things that were and weren't supposed to. You know the feeling of emptiness inside you, creeping in your whole system, makes you uncomfortably unhappy and unsatisfied with life? Heh, what a way to start your day, ain't that a bitch? I wonder if there are other people experiencing the same right at this moment besides me. . .

As a morning routine, I made a cup of coffee as usual and instead of looking for something to eat in the fridge, I went back to my room and played some music on the computer. Put my headphones on while enjoying my music without disturbing others that are still fast asleep. As I sipped at my coffee mug, I immediately spat everything in my mouth, leaving the monitor and keyboard seriously wet and cursed on and on early morning, "PUT@NG*NAAAAAA, ANG ALAT, LECHENG PUT@NG*NA!". I then realized that instead of putting sugar while making coffee, I must've put iodized salt in it, f*ckin' stupid. I immediately wiped out the mess left by that embarrassing and idiotic moment cleanly and made sure the keyboard isn't damaged and ended up making another cup of coffee. I also labeled the containers so no one would mistaken iodized salt as sugar anymore and know exactly which is which next time. I went upstairs back to my room, in front of my computer, still cursing repeatedly. What the f*ck did I do, dammit. Well, so much for staying up til 2am, maybe i'm still sleepy at that point.

I continue enjoying my music, then this single "Stupid Me" by Franco played next. I felt annoyed all of a sudden 'coz even the f*ckin' music is making fun of me early this morning, what the heck! I laughed at myself while the cursing goes on and on still, hehe. . . Then I thought of logging into facebook using my 2nd account. Checked my notifications and as usual, there's only one and it's from Rage, for liking my most recent post. I thought of her(my recent heartbreak) again, wondering what's going on with her or whether if there's any updates or if she's already back in the country. So, I took a glimpse at her profile and I read a wall post with comments from both her and her "new" boyfriend exchanging how much they love each other and how much they mean to each other. . . "How pathetic", I exclaimed to myself. Then my eyes opened wide, thinking if those words should be referred to me or to them. Perhaps, both. . . Nah, who cares?

I logged out and logged back in FB using my primary account this time, then I saw some updates from red riding hood(an alias). I then checked if she's online in chat, she isn't. And she no longer goes online frequently in chat anymore like she used to. So, I opened my FB messages and bring up our message thread and read it over and over again. I really can't get over it, specially when she told me that it would've been me, if only I came into her life earlier. I then started imagining how happy and perfect my life would be if only i'd met her before everything else took place. Now, she's married, happily married to a wonderful man which she definitely deserve. Then again, I suddenly felt so stupid, I kept questioning myself why didn't I met this wonderful, gorgeous and so-perfect girl before? But at the back of my mind, i'm still thankful that she didn't end up with me, because I deeply knew that I don't deserve someone so wonderful like her. Well, it's for the best. . .

The song that i'm listening to goes on, not realizing my coffee mug is already empty and i'm too lazy to go downstairs and make another one. Guess, i'll just share the bitterness of these thoughts in my mind in exchange. Hold my mask of stupidity and perhaps, get too high! ! ! Perhaps, i'll just indulge myself with thoughts of my red riding hood, wishing me to come visit her every fullmoon, and remain my immortality in her thoughts. . .

Scenes from the Past 2

( D I A B O L I C )

I was surfing the internet for i can't seem to think about something worthwhile to do while i'm at my nephew's place. He was even messing with me like he's asking me not to browse "porn sites" although he knew that i'm actually not doing it. I know he's just making me laugh 'coz he too noticed something wrong about me lately, but i nearly took his joke seriously so, he took back what he said and apologized. He said "eto naman! joke nga lang eh, pinapatawa ka lang naman!", i said i appreciate what he's doing and i know it's his way of cheering me up, but i'm just really not in the mood. But eventually, we ended up messing with each other...

When i got home, my couzin Jhe was there. We exchanged greetings and expressed to each other how much we missed each other. We're always like that 'coz we're very close, and we're like brothers more that anyone else. Like my nephew, Vjay, Jhe has always been there for me also, especially in my toughest times, just like this one. I need not to tell them that i might use an ear that knows how to listen nor someone who understands because they automatically offer themselves to be it. Then i thought, if it were'nt because of them, i might be found "insane" at this point, or maybe, "dead"...

While struggling to empty a lot of beer bottles infront of us, my couzin asked, "anu ba prublema, zan?", but instead of answering it, i asked her "bakit kaya ako pinanganak?", "am i destined to live this way my whole life?". "Yaan mo na yun", she replied. "Di dapat pinag-aaksayahan ng oras yung mga ganung tao, isa pa, andito nman ako eh!" then she bursted out laughing, and i laughed as well. Also,my niece once told me, "minsan, kailangan ituro sa'yo ng mundo ang TAMA sa paraang masasaktan ka para matandaan mo!".....but, at the back of my mind, i'm still fighting myself not to think about "her" anymore. But the harder i try to forget, the more i think about her unconciously... Life is too short to stress myself with people who don't even deserve to be an issue in my life, but i still find the one who broke my heart very special, and i'm refusing to just let go of "her", but whether i like it or not, i have to, and that hurts me a lot 'coz i have no choice...

The following days, i spent each afternoon watching dvd's, and "supernatural", together with my other favorite episodes, was among them and the one that i'm currently watching at that moment. There's this episode that caught my attention, it's where Dean(jensen ackles), was desperately seeking for answers, and when he finally knew that there's no more hope left in saving his younger brother Sam(jared padalecki), he went to a "crossroad", summoned a "demon" and made a deal with it just to bring Sam's life back. In that episode, Sam's been killed and Dean just could'nt let go of his li'l brother 'coz he's the only thing left in him. I started asking myself, did it ever really came into anybody's mind making a "diabolical pact" just to have what they badly wanted? 'Coz seriously, if it is even possible, i might've done it myself...

Scenes from the Past

(A Deafening Silence)

…..Nearly two weeks have passed, yet i'm still hurting so much. I wonder when will it end? Or maybe it won't. It's almost 7am that day and the sky is about to be filled with the sun's golden rays as it emerges to shine again from the east, meaning that i'll have to deal with yet another day again, full of hurt and pain. Ahh, heartbreaks…..such a pain in the ass, or should i say "heart"… Nah, whatever!

…..My shift ended at 6am, logged out and off i go. I was walking then, with both hands in my pocket, slowly walking, thingking about "her", again. Then i checked my cellphone, no text messages. i got to the MRT station in ortigas, checked my cellphone again, no text messages. I rode the train and when i got off the last station in North Triangle(TRINOMA), i checked my cellphone again, and still no text messages. Normally, i receive texts at this point, but, nothing… I was about to ride a jeepney after getting off the MRT station North Edsa , but then, something's got into me. Then i started walking, it's like some unseen force is directing me to just, walk… And i don't know why but, i'm always like this whenever i'm deeply thinking about something, doesn't care wherever my feet brings me. I just keep on walking and walking until i get tired, and this time, after walking for almost two hours, i didn't notice that i'm already in Tandang Sora Avenue just after UP Diliman Merging Zone, going to Commonwelth. My shoes and pants all dusty, as well as my hair and i can no longer comb it with my fingers due to the tangles. Then i sat for a moment, checked my cellphone again and, there you go, i got more than 10 text messages, but none of them was from "her". To my dismay, i put my cellphone back in my pocket and sat again, not realizing that i'm all teary-eyed…..and it sucks… Tasting your own tears because of bitterness… WTF!!! I then decided to call a taxi cab and go home…

…..While in the cab on my way home, i noticed something. I asked the cab driver to turn on some music, he pointed at the car stereo which is actually "ON" while he talks back, but, i didn't get what he just said because, i can't hear him. I asked him "ano kamo, boss?", he replied but still, i'm not hearing the words coming out from his mouth… I demanded him to stop the cab, and his initial reaction is to ask "why" but in a very intrigued manner. I told him "please, pakitabi lang boss, sandali lang, please!". The driver stopped the cab, but with hesitation. Then i stepped outside and looked around…..i'm on a highway where vehicles are fastly going through opposite lanes, but i can't hear the roaring engines of any of 'em… I can't hear my surroundings! What's this unbelievable thing that's going on with me? I looked back at the driver and he's sort of yelling at me, i didn't hear it but i read his mouth saying "hoy, ano ba? Lasing ka ba? Bilisan mo na kung susuka ka"… Feeling puzzled and everything, i went back inside the cab wondering what's really happening to me. The driver is staring at me with lots of questions in his face. "Sensya na, boss. Sige na, tara na!", i said. The driver shook his head, then drove off...

…..I got home safely bearing that deafening silence still. I changed clothes and lied down the bed, thinking what kind of phenomena is this, or if it's even such a thing… Then i closed my eyes. Suddenly, "her" face clearly came to vision, i know it's just a dream but it felt so real. I touched her cheek, and instead of expressing "her" how angry i am and how much i hate "her" for what she did to me, i bid her goodnight and all i ever said was, "sleep tight, my love"…

…..It's already dark outside when i woke up. I looked at the clock, it's already 7:30pm, i have to go to work before nine o'clock. I'm already hearing our neighbor's dog barking again from outside, as well as the whirring of my old electric fan. I stood up, took a cup of coffee, take a bath, then leave to work…

…..At work, my friend Gary which is a co-worker and teammate asked me, "nu balita?" I just glanced at him then bowed my head down and said, "i miss her"… He laughed a bit and said, "namimiss ka rin nun, chong! Si Mandz pah!" I just smiled back at him. He didn't know that i was actually referring to another person, but instead of telling him what's on my mind, i just said "sana nga, pre! sana nga…"

Suddenly . . .

It was Sunday last week, a fine morning actually. Not so humid, not so gloomy. It was the end of my shift and leaved the office at 6:00 AM. I went out, stood just right outside the building's vicinity and was about to light my cigarette when I noticed something. . . There's almost no pedestrians walking in the supposed to be "busy streets" of Makati. I see one cigarette vendor and four jeepneys with almost no passengers in it. I wonder where did the people go. Gone to church, perhaps?

I looked at McDonald's from outside, saw some customers having breakfast, or maybe snack, whatever! Suddenly, I felt like wanting to eat my favorite longganisa rice meal which is one of their breakfast specials. I started walking towards McDonald's but another fast-food chain caught my eye, then suddenly, I crossed the other side of the street and started walking towards KFC. I was thinking of ordering their classic chicken meal with lots of gravy in it, but another food chain caught my eyes again. Then suddenly, I started walking towards Chowking thinking about their emperor beef noodle soup with matching pork chowfan rice meal. Darn, I'm getting hungrier all of a sudden. I stood in front of Chowking's main door then suddenly. . . suddenly, I thought of her. . . I already held the door handle but let it go, because suddenly, I lost my appetite that very moment. It just came to me that I haven't gone to any of those establishments for quite awhile ever since she left the country. Maybe, I don't feel like eating at McDonald's anymore, or KFC or Chowking, or any other restaurants or eatery where we used to eat our favorite meals together, not without her. . . I went back to the streets, finally light up my cigarette, and after i finished it, rode a jeepney going to EDSA highway to ride M.R.T. (Metro-Rail Transit). . .

On my way home, I kept my eyes busy looking at every part of the Metro that I'm seeing during the train ride. I suddenly thought of all the places around the Metro that she and I have been when we were going out together. Memories of us keep flashing back again. . . movie watching, food craving, shopping, leisure, previous workplaces, peers and everything else. I miss her, I miss her real bad. . .

I closed my eyes preventing those stupid teardrops from falling, keeping my eyes stubborn from all of the dramas happening inside me, and after awhile, I felt peaceful. Then suddenly, I felt someone tapping me on the shoulder. I opened my eyes and I saw a security guard, standing in front of me, asking me politely to aboard the train. I nearly laughed at myself out loud , didn't know that I fell asleep during the trip. Maybe I was just exhausted yet again from another busy, nerve-breaking, brain-tiring shift at the office. I walked home, changed clothes, then finally went to bed. . .

Lying in my bed while still thinking about her, my eyes suddenly soared my entire room. There's my old pair of jeans which she bought for me when we went to Divisoria market before her birthday 2yrs ago, the leather belt on it and my wallet which I received from her as a gift, a backpack used for hiking she gave me before she left abroad, there's also the Telus lunch bag and some t-shirts that was from her which are newly washed and my favorite books by R.A. Salvatore, which is a birthday gift from her, I think. . . Hugging my pillow tight while thinking about those belongings I received from her, I even hugged it tighter. Then I suddenly realized that the pillow itself was also from her, even the very bed where we used to make love before, the same bed where I'm lying at, is from her as well. . . Too much memories, I couldn't help but shook my head, then went downstairs to make a cup of coffee since the God of sleep left my consciousness already.

As I took a teaspoon from the dish dryer, I suddenly realized yet again, that even the effin' dish dryer was from her too. I finally burst laughing out loud which called the attention of everyone in the house. They asked me what's the matter, I just answered them with a cheap smile. . .

I went back to bed after that, realizing that shit really do happen. . . . . suddenly. . .