Scenes from the Past 2

( D I A B O L I C )

I was surfing the internet for i can't seem to think about something worthwhile to do while i'm at my nephew's place. He was even messing with me like he's asking me not to browse "porn sites" although he knew that i'm actually not doing it. I know he's just making me laugh 'coz he too noticed something wrong about me lately, but i nearly took his joke seriously so, he took back what he said and apologized. He said "eto naman! joke nga lang eh, pinapatawa ka lang naman!", i said i appreciate what he's doing and i know it's his way of cheering me up, but i'm just really not in the mood. But eventually, we ended up messing with each other...

When i got home, my couzin Jhe was there. We exchanged greetings and expressed to each other how much we missed each other. We're always like that 'coz we're very close, and we're like brothers more that anyone else. Like my nephew, Vjay, Jhe has always been there for me also, especially in my toughest times, just like this one. I need not to tell them that i might use an ear that knows how to listen nor someone who understands because they automatically offer themselves to be it. Then i thought, if it were'nt because of them, i might be found "insane" at this point, or maybe, "dead"...

While struggling to empty a lot of beer bottles infront of us, my couzin asked, "anu ba prublema, zan?", but instead of answering it, i asked her "bakit kaya ako pinanganak?", "am i destined to live this way my whole life?". "Yaan mo na yun", she replied. "Di dapat pinag-aaksayahan ng oras yung mga ganung tao, isa pa, andito nman ako eh!" then she bursted out laughing, and i laughed as well. Also,my niece once told me, "minsan, kailangan ituro sa'yo ng mundo ang TAMA sa paraang masasaktan ka para matandaan mo!".....but, at the back of my mind, i'm still fighting myself not to think about "her" anymore. But the harder i try to forget, the more i think about her unconciously... Life is too short to stress myself with people who don't even deserve to be an issue in my life, but i still find the one who broke my heart very special, and i'm refusing to just let go of "her", but whether i like it or not, i have to, and that hurts me a lot 'coz i have no choice...

The following days, i spent each afternoon watching dvd's, and "supernatural", together with my other favorite episodes, was among them and the one that i'm currently watching at that moment. There's this episode that caught my attention, it's where Dean(jensen ackles), was desperately seeking for answers, and when he finally knew that there's no more hope left in saving his younger brother Sam(jared padalecki), he went to a "crossroad", summoned a "demon" and made a deal with it just to bring Sam's life back. In that episode, Sam's been killed and Dean just could'nt let go of his li'l brother 'coz he's the only thing left in him. I started asking myself, did it ever really came into anybody's mind making a "diabolical pact" just to have what they badly wanted? 'Coz seriously, if it is even possible, i might've done it myself...

Scenes from the Past

(A Deafening Silence)

…..Nearly two weeks have passed, yet i'm still hurting so much. I wonder when will it end? Or maybe it won't. It's almost 7am that day and the sky is about to be filled with the sun's golden rays as it emerges to shine again from the east, meaning that i'll have to deal with yet another day again, full of hurt and pain. Ahh, heartbreaks…..such a pain in the ass, or should i say "heart"… Nah, whatever!

…..My shift ended at 6am, logged out and off i go. I was walking then, with both hands in my pocket, slowly walking, thingking about "her", again. Then i checked my cellphone, no text messages. i got to the MRT station in ortigas, checked my cellphone again, no text messages. I rode the train and when i got off the last station in North Triangle(TRINOMA), i checked my cellphone again, and still no text messages. Normally, i receive texts at this point, but, nothing… I was about to ride a jeepney after getting off the MRT station North Edsa , but then, something's got into me. Then i started walking, it's like some unseen force is directing me to just, walk… And i don't know why but, i'm always like this whenever i'm deeply thinking about something, doesn't care wherever my feet brings me. I just keep on walking and walking until i get tired, and this time, after walking for almost two hours, i didn't notice that i'm already in Tandang Sora Avenue just after UP Diliman Merging Zone, going to Commonwelth. My shoes and pants all dusty, as well as my hair and i can no longer comb it with my fingers due to the tangles. Then i sat for a moment, checked my cellphone again and, there you go, i got more than 10 text messages, but none of them was from "her". To my dismay, i put my cellphone back in my pocket and sat again, not realizing that i'm all teary-eyed…..and it sucks… Tasting your own tears because of bitterness… WTF!!! I then decided to call a taxi cab and go home…

…..While in the cab on my way home, i noticed something. I asked the cab driver to turn on some music, he pointed at the car stereo which is actually "ON" while he talks back, but, i didn't get what he just said because, i can't hear him. I asked him "ano kamo, boss?", he replied but still, i'm not hearing the words coming out from his mouth… I demanded him to stop the cab, and his initial reaction is to ask "why" but in a very intrigued manner. I told him "please, pakitabi lang boss, sandali lang, please!". The driver stopped the cab, but with hesitation. Then i stepped outside and looked around…..i'm on a highway where vehicles are fastly going through opposite lanes, but i can't hear the roaring engines of any of 'em… I can't hear my surroundings! What's this unbelievable thing that's going on with me? I looked back at the driver and he's sort of yelling at me, i didn't hear it but i read his mouth saying "hoy, ano ba? Lasing ka ba? Bilisan mo na kung susuka ka"… Feeling puzzled and everything, i went back inside the cab wondering what's really happening to me. The driver is staring at me with lots of questions in his face. "Sensya na, boss. Sige na, tara na!", i said. The driver shook his head, then drove off...

…..I got home safely bearing that deafening silence still. I changed clothes and lied down the bed, thinking what kind of phenomena is this, or if it's even such a thing… Then i closed my eyes. Suddenly, "her" face clearly came to vision, i know it's just a dream but it felt so real. I touched her cheek, and instead of expressing "her" how angry i am and how much i hate "her" for what she did to me, i bid her goodnight and all i ever said was, "sleep tight, my love"…

…..It's already dark outside when i woke up. I looked at the clock, it's already 7:30pm, i have to go to work before nine o'clock. I'm already hearing our neighbor's dog barking again from outside, as well as the whirring of my old electric fan. I stood up, took a cup of coffee, take a bath, then leave to work…

…..At work, my friend Gary which is a co-worker and teammate asked me, "nu balita?" I just glanced at him then bowed my head down and said, "i miss her"… He laughed a bit and said, "namimiss ka rin nun, chong! Si Mandz pah!" I just smiled back at him. He didn't know that i was actually referring to another person, but instead of telling him what's on my mind, i just said "sana nga, pre! sana nga…"

Suddenly . . .

It was Sunday last week, a fine morning actually. Not so humid, not so gloomy. It was the end of my shift and leaved the office at 6:00 AM. I went out, stood just right outside the building's vicinity and was about to light my cigarette when I noticed something. . . There's almost no pedestrians walking in the supposed to be "busy streets" of Makati. I see one cigarette vendor and four jeepneys with almost no passengers in it. I wonder where did the people go. Gone to church, perhaps?

I looked at McDonald's from outside, saw some customers having breakfast, or maybe snack, whatever! Suddenly, I felt like wanting to eat my favorite longganisa rice meal which is one of their breakfast specials. I started walking towards McDonald's but another fast-food chain caught my eye, then suddenly, I crossed the other side of the street and started walking towards KFC. I was thinking of ordering their classic chicken meal with lots of gravy in it, but another food chain caught my eyes again. Then suddenly, I started walking towards Chowking thinking about their emperor beef noodle soup with matching pork chowfan rice meal. Darn, I'm getting hungrier all of a sudden. I stood in front of Chowking's main door then suddenly. . . suddenly, I thought of her. . . I already held the door handle but let it go, because suddenly, I lost my appetite that very moment. It just came to me that I haven't gone to any of those establishments for quite awhile ever since she left the country. Maybe, I don't feel like eating at McDonald's anymore, or KFC or Chowking, or any other restaurants or eatery where we used to eat our favorite meals together, not without her. . . I went back to the streets, finally light up my cigarette, and after i finished it, rode a jeepney going to EDSA highway to ride M.R.T. (Metro-Rail Transit). . .

On my way home, I kept my eyes busy looking at every part of the Metro that I'm seeing during the train ride. I suddenly thought of all the places around the Metro that she and I have been when we were going out together. Memories of us keep flashing back again. . . movie watching, food craving, shopping, leisure, previous workplaces, peers and everything else. I miss her, I miss her real bad. . .

I closed my eyes preventing those stupid teardrops from falling, keeping my eyes stubborn from all of the dramas happening inside me, and after awhile, I felt peaceful. Then suddenly, I felt someone tapping me on the shoulder. I opened my eyes and I saw a security guard, standing in front of me, asking me politely to aboard the train. I nearly laughed at myself out loud , didn't know that I fell asleep during the trip. Maybe I was just exhausted yet again from another busy, nerve-breaking, brain-tiring shift at the office. I walked home, changed clothes, then finally went to bed. . .

Lying in my bed while still thinking about her, my eyes suddenly soared my entire room. There's my old pair of jeans which she bought for me when we went to Divisoria market before her birthday 2yrs ago, the leather belt on it and my wallet which I received from her as a gift, a backpack used for hiking she gave me before she left abroad, there's also the Telus lunch bag and some t-shirts that was from her which are newly washed and my favorite books by R.A. Salvatore, which is a birthday gift from her, I think. . . Hugging my pillow tight while thinking about those belongings I received from her, I even hugged it tighter. Then I suddenly realized that the pillow itself was also from her, even the very bed where we used to make love before, the same bed where I'm lying at, is from her as well. . . Too much memories, I couldn't help but shook my head, then went downstairs to make a cup of coffee since the God of sleep left my consciousness already.

As I took a teaspoon from the dish dryer, I suddenly realized yet again, that even the effin' dish dryer was from her too. I finally burst laughing out loud which called the attention of everyone in the house. They asked me what's the matter, I just answered them with a cheap smile. . .

I went back to bed after that, realizing that shit really do happen. . . . . suddenly. . .

Sumpong

Sa hindi maintindihang rason, sinumpong na naman ako ng dati kong sakit. Sobrang pagkatuliro at hindi pagkapakali, hindi ko alam kung bakit. Dahil ba wala akong magawa o maisip gawin kundi ang isipin ka? Isipin yung panahong nakilala kita. Yung mga panahong masaya ka dahil sa kahit anong paraan, napapasaya at pinapasaya kita. Yung mga panahong kuntento tayo sa kahit ano, kahit ano lang na meron tayo, basta't magkasama. Hay, hindi ko maiwasang mapamura sa sobrang galit sa sarili ko. Kailan kaya ikaw magbabalik sa mundo ko? Pagkaraan ba nang ilang linggo? O, nang ilang buwan? O, nang ilang taon? Napangiti ako bigla, pero binawi rin agad ng lungkot.. "Hmmm.....mukhang hindi na, siguro hindi na....."

Lakad dito, lakad doon. Hindi alam ang patutunguhan, tila wala naman kasi yata. Kung saan dalhin ng mga paa, doon nalang, bahala na... Kausap ang sarili ko, "pigilan ako...tigilan mo ako"..... Paikot ikot, nag-iisip pero wala naman sa sarili....nangangamba, pero wala namang pakialam. Sa akit ng gabi, wala nako kamalay malay sa layo ng narating ko. Nakatingin kasi ako sa anino ko na nakayuko, nandito na pala ako sa kalsadang dinadaanan natin dati at nadadaanan natin minsan. Nakakita ako ng tindahan, bumili saglit ng yosi, pagkapa ko sa bulsa, dun ko lang nalaman na wala pala akong dalang pitaka, bale coin purse lang. Pagkasindi ko, naghanap ako ng malapit na mauupuan.

Basa lagi yung harapan ng gate ninyo kaya sa kabilang gilid ng kalsada nalang ako naupo. Minamasdan ko lang yung paraisong ginagalawan mo dati at ni nika. Yung paraiso kung saan ako dati nagpupunta para makasama ka. Lahat lahat ng yun, bumabalik sa isip ko. Huwag mo sana iisiping may binabalak akong masama o hindi maganda. Ewan ko, binubuhay ko lang yung mga alaala nating dalawa nung tayo pa magkasama, sa kahit anong paraan na magagawa ko.....sa kahit anong paraan para ako sumaya...

Mag-dadalawang oras din bago ko umpisahan maglakad ulit pauwi. Anlamig ng hangin, pero parang balewala sakin. Para kasing nararamdaman kitang nakayakap sa braso ko habang nakalagay yung dalawang kamay ko sa bulsa. Sulyap ako ng sulyap sa kanang balikat ko kasi nai-imagine kong nakatingin ka sakin patingala, ganun ka kasi dati pag naglalakad tayong dalawa. Lagi kang nakatitig sakin na parang ayaw mo kong mawala sa paningin mo. Masamang masama ang loob ko, pero nagawa ko umuwing may konting saya kahit papaano. Pagod nako, pero yung mga paa ko, parang hindi pa... Durog na durog na yung damdamin ko sa sobrang sakit na nararamdaman ngeon, pero yung isip ko, parang hindi pa.....

Kinakausap na naman ako ng sarili ko, sabi "asa ka pa! wala na, give up na!".....sabi ng pagkatao ko, "hindi pa, kaya ko pa....."

More to lose...

Here I go again... Ended up dealing with the same things as before....but this time, it's obviously "my fault". My own f*ck'n fault, nonetheless...

It's been more than 3yrs since the last heartache disaster I've been through, now everything's getting blurry again... The brightness of my lame eyes' fading, tears falling like raindrops of neverend, drowning my emotions into the depth of sorrow... Blindly descending into darkness all over again....

A totally different scenario, but the same level of hurting... Damn you, Credz, damn you!!! Why did you have to let this happen? Her unconditional love, one that is so unique and serene in glory. A love I have experienced like no other, but was clouded by my troubled mind........gone.......like the smoke of the cigarette in my hand, slipping away with the wind of this cold Wednesday afternoon... And now, it's over........both of us free........but I feel colder.....

Perhaps, she's just tired of all the bullsh*t... And as the song goes, maybe somehow she's gotten tired of me as well. Maybe somehow, she's just fed up thinking that our love could change my thoughts about our arrangements which were consumed by my selfishness and all that... I thought we had nothing more to lose, but now, it's plain to see that the love we once needed and never thought I'd still need and will be needing and wanting forever couldn't just come back to me again, whenever I wish to or feel like it, whenever I demand...

The time to move to a new beginning lies ahead of me again.....chances are, she might need me at some point and that I don't want to miss... And so, I'm afraid I'll have to hang on and keep on hoping and praying about the possibility of "us" together again... Besides, there's nothing wrong with dreaming...

I maybe hurting like hell right now, but instead of giving up, I'll just indulge myself with it and prove to myself that "she" is all worth the pain.....for she have endured the exact same thing for me before as well...


(-,-)

...And then, there we're none.

It's funny how life makes us understand that somehow and at some point, we do f*ck up. And it's just how life is...really, it can't be figured out. Thing is, you'll never know when and how will it mess with you. And I find it so f*ck'n hard to admit and it did shook the very foundation of my own being when I came to realize that "now" is indeed my turn to feel what everybody hates...


...suffer the thing called "pain".

Burden

Answer me, did we take this too far?

You've given all I could need...

But your kiss won't leave me be...

Because your teardrops won't stop chewing out my heart...

Nothing matters anymore, so what?

Here we are, the last of us...

Will we ever be again?